these entries are not for the faint of heart.

this is where the [REDACTED] go.

define intrusive thoughts.

6 : i know it's illegal to kill someone but how come no one is charged in a suicide unless it's racially-charged ? shouldn't the fault of the suicide be put onto the people who didn't reach out first ? because it's SO HARD to reach out for help, then it hurts to be denied the words you wanted to hear. i wanna cut ties, but that's too selfish. i don't like people worrying about me. i guess that's intp for you.

5 : i remade some impulses, i made a mistake, and i'm paying for it as it heals. i've never been so low as to see red in the glow of a night light, i'm no longer cleansed of my thoughts. i don't like being low like that as to dig my grave across my skin but- i learn to unlearn. a phrase [d] has threatened me with. time to unlearn, then. at least he cares enough to talk shit through. no one knows but him.

4 : i've had some violent thoughts in the shower. what if i was roadkill in my next life ? where i was struck down before i hit the ground running ? i want to carve up my belly; i want to detach my spine and unbox my shoulders. i want to change the way i look, become a plastic surgery monster.

3 : i want something red. blood is too precious, so i'll settle for wine instead. intoxicating, but it'll take away my inhibitions. i'd like to spill some. i crave for something just. justice is too heroic a term for what i want. the past cannot be changed. america sucks as a country, with its history and corrupted politics stemming from a need to intervene and seperate. i don't like the history i'm learning of, the history i'm taking interest in. what can i do to make sure it doesn't happen again ? i'm a lowly 17 year old who wasn't even born in the country she was raised in. what can i do.

2 : maybe the demons in my head are giving me my headaches and pains. but i don't want them to leave. how will i feel alive if they leave? pain is needed to feel alive. but in moderation.

1 : random thought, what if i died and someone found my website wholly abandoned for a year? what if someone found my other socials and noticed that there's something missing? would they even notice if the person behind the account is gone? like qinni, would it even be public? would i be mourned and cried over and possibly even be cursed? what a concept.