welcome to my slow decay...
115 : it's like i don't exist. i want to commit another thing. i am an attention whore, i don't mind when ignorant people don't pay me their eyes, but it's the one person that matters that i can't stand to be ignored by. i am really pathetic. just ring the same bell over and over again, my temples ache but the message is still the same. i am no good without the one. it's hard to be happy without him. i don't want to settle for less.
114 : i lost that motivation. my eyes hurt badly. i woke up too early. now i don't think i can stay up without having a headache. ow i wish i wasn't so chronic with whatever the fuck ails me so.
113 : [REDACTED]
112 : i wonder if people actually give a fuck about the person behind all my accounts or if they're just there for the creations i recreate. it doesn't matter what my name is, it just matters about what i own.
111 : there's two sides of me. i don't have a name for the both of them but they're both painful spaces to occupy. one gives me the false hope that i'm really getting better, and the other keeps proving the same painful front i put up so i don't have to explain what's wrong. both are lies.
jump to 7/5/20
110 : i'm tryna cut down on characters in my th, i haven't rlly touched writing in a while bc of unmotivation and feeling bad about my art but ! i should be better...
109 : my sister do be annoying tho, wish she can be mindful about calling her bf, at least be a little more quiet and attentive to your surrounding family... what a hypocrite i am.
108 : i love black mirror even more now, episodes be good, but i'm late to the party.
107 : [REDACTED]
106 : ARTFIGHT IS SHIT. THE WEBSITE DON'T WORK. I NEED TO MAKE REFS SO IT'S TIME TO GET PRODUCTIVE.
jump to 6/1/20
105 : sorry for abandoning this site slightly, i'm feeling less like myself lately. these thoughts i have in private don't deserve an entry in this journal; there's just too many of them. i'll be better. i wanna talk to more people. i wanna draw more. wants must become possible, not just wishes. wishes equal almost. almost is never there. i will get there. contractions hide true meaning.
jump to : 5/25/20
104 : i love [d] a lot. the movie my family and i watched that night made me realize that. hello, love, goodbye is some sweet shit, made me ache to be with [d].
103 : too much food in my belly, had smore's (??). i wanna get abs or look fit this summer. fucking hourglass figure my ass.
102 : i hate little kids. i biked for maybe an hour or two straight, tryna catch up with the young children, they left us teenagers behind, i'll prolly still bike with them but i'm salty. i wish i can hang out with kids my age lmao
101 : i had sleep paralysis at 5 in the morning, trying to fall asleep after calling [d] for almost 3 hours. i felt my body shutting down, i felt my fingers and toes tingle, i heard slippered footsteps within my ears, like i was lying on the floor, and then someone with a helium voice started laughing at me. my eyes were partially open. i couldn't move. i need to fix my fucking sleep schedule, i've been consistently getting 6 or less hours of sleep for a week now. i'm the one fucking my shit up.
note : i wrote the first one in notes on my tablet, didn't get a chance to upload until now.
jump to : 6/24/20
100 : i am glad i sometimes know how to make myself feel better. i just hate asking for help sometimes. i am proud of the poem i edited recently, uploaded here.
99 : besides that shit show last night, i'm really glad i listened to denzel curry's UNLOCKED album, it's fucking amazing. i've been replaying ULT for a while now, so i'm just glad i can consume other stuff he's spitting. what's funny is that after listening to his ACAB "PIG FEET" i unwound with a playlist called "Uncle Iroh". most of the songs were beautiful, and i say most because i'm not usually a fan of lofi; this time is an exception as long as the oriental sounds aren't too loud or quick.
98 : i am gonna fucking cry i can't find this oreintal sad bass song that's been playing in my head, i could've sworn it was on spotify or even my walkman but no it isn't, i'm gonna lose my mind, it's been so long since i've been obsessed over something, it hurt to let go of it, i haven't even been obsessed with [d] and my parents tell me it's good to not be clingy, but i hate obsessing over things, i remember [n]'s face, he still makes my heart skip a beat, this makes me think that my heart doesn't fully belong to [d]. oh no i hate myself my memory is terrible and i probably deserve it.
97 : do you ever feel heart-broken over nothing. do you ever long for a culture you never really knew. whenever i breathe it feels like i'm inhaling through a hole in my heart, something is calling from the edges of the fracture but i can't describe what it is. i can just feel the hollow-ness whistling up through my thoat and out as a life-taking breath. i'm breathing out poison, even if i don't accompany words with that posion; i still feel like i'm spitting poison.
note : i wrote the first two in notes on my tablet, didn't get a chance to upload until now.
jump to : 6/19/20
96 : i will have to redesign some characters for artfight soon, wish me luck in drawing again-
95 : maybe i'll talk to ray again, who knows. i miss having someone to talk to daily, one who actually texts the fuck back whenever i text, but that shit is too demanding and i can never ask that of [d]. i'm needy when i need to be.
94 : i weirdly don't miss [d] as much. i spend a lot of time by myself. i'm convinced he doesn't need me, that he's sleeping too much or that he has better things to do, so i'm okay being by myself. hence why i'm trying to stay off our dm
93 : ambitions are running high. i haven't fixed all the pages (eg still need to change the layout on another character page, need to actually CREATE the red and violet pages on colorblind) but i'm getting somewhere ! i think i enjoy working on this website as much as drawing, and that's saying something-
jump to : 6/14/20
92 : it's so late. i wish my days can be mine again.
91 : i wish people didn't care. i wish i didn't care.
90 : i miss having my priorities straight. i miss waking up for a reason, instead of having someone wake me up. i miss just sitting down to draw; that goes hand in hand with being alone, without having anyone to talk to and that's okay.
89 : [REDACTED]
88 : [d] has been gone the entire day. i don't blame him. he needed sleep.
87 : this is the latest shower i've ever taken; my hair isn't gonna dry up before i sleep. my superstiton in the philippines is gonna come true. i will get sick if i sleep with my hair wet.
86 : i don't want to eat dinner. let me go to sleep hungry so i know what that feels like.
85 : i've been so busy today. my fingers are shaking so much just typing because i haven't had the chance to sit down and actually get through the shit i wanted to fix with this site. i have a slight headache as i speak, the left temple. this shit is so frustrating-
jump to : 6/12/20
84 : i came up with something. isolation is bliss. i want this to be my philosophy but this shit prolly ain't even real. i just want to be alone. i don't need anyone. i like feeling by myself. i don't like missing people.
83 : i want to start writing / connecting story shit again, and hopefully i have enough mental capacity to do that
82 : [d] introduced me to someone, i don't know how that'll work, i'm nervous, i don't want to be anti-social, i'm just okay being by myself sometimes but i'll try
81 : i feel exhausted. i'm writing this a little later than i'm supposed to bc i don't really get on the computer anymore besides updating this site and staring at my toyhouse lol
jump to : 6/8/20
80 : i want peace.
79 : i'm trying to convince myself that there's something special about me, but all i can do is despair and stay immobile. i am going nowhere. before all this, i had the resolve to change that. now the whole world is burning, and i'm stuck here staring at the cinders, inhaling the smoke so other people can use my oxygen to get their points across before the sparks fizz out.
78 : i don't want to feel a disconnect from shit right now, especially when i should be caring so much about all this. i don't want to be away from my boyfriend because i don't feel like talking, that isn't fair to him if he wants to hang out. i hate making excuses. i just need the energy to continue a fucking conversation then i'll be good. i need passion for my work again, despite not even posting as much any more to allow other people's voices to be heard.
77 : the world is going to shit, and i don't want it to leave me behind. things are fucked. i can't even imagine a time before quarantine, before these protests. hopefully there is some tipping point, like the president getting impeached, or a state-wide disbanding of the police force in favor of mental health services and the like for troubled people calling a number.
jump to : 6/7/20
76 : it's always some bs with the guys i date... i shouldn't blame them, i should blame myself for getting close, but in the end THEY left, instead of me leaving. i need to talk to him...
75 : [DISSIPATED]
74 : my bf feels very... strongly about all this, as he should. i'm scared for him. i don't want a "normal" (ie quota-fulfilling) traffic stop to result with him being on the ground... fuck i want to protect him from all this shit, but it isn't just about him, i know. it's about all of them.
73 : twitter is painful to look at. i wish i can participate. i want to do something. i want to show solidarity. i want to support what the protestors are doing. but i'm broke and 17. my skin isn't dark enough. all i can do is hope the system will fucking change because of this. i signed a petition already but idk if it will help as much as it should. all i can do is not act fucking dumb and get more people in trouble.
72 : #BLM
jump to : 6/1/20
71 : my state of mind is degenerative. i don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but i don't feel like talking to him; he's basically started up something between me and my bf, i haven't felt okay ever since he hit me up yesterday. i prefer not to talk to that someone, but i'm afraid of him becoming embittered, and have that bitterness come back in a different form. he "longs" to talk to me as a friend, but i don't know what our conversations would be like... i'm so scared of losing the both of them, and to think i never really had that someone in the first place...
70 : i know what i'm doing. i'm not too confident in my resolve, but i know what to do with this part of my life. the later, latter me can take care of the future.
69 : hey look, a funny number. i should really make a guestbook or some shit lol i used to have one but i don't remember what it was called aaa
68 : i am very eloquent. compliment me ! jk jk... unless...
67 : lots of messed up stuff in apush guys !! still going to the 2nd, i need to get this shit done, but the time before the present is just loaded with total bullshit. it's difficult to sift through.
66 : [REDACTED]
jump to : 5/26/20
65 : i'm so sick of this fake love. just fucking leave already. i'm sick of almost crying instead of breaking down. i'm sick of holding back.
64 : i'm on the verge of crying. fuck.
63 : i don't want to do much school work this week. i'll just read some stuff for apush then maybe something for spanish, but i'm so fucking done with speech and digital media. i'm done.
62 : it's mind-numbing, how much binging of atla we've done. i love the show, but the pedestal i have for them is too high to try and compete, and so i just compare and put myself down.
61 : the self-deprecating hours are real and real long. there is no way that this behavior is healthy. i need someone to talk to, someone who knows me, but the only one who's close to me isn't answering fast enough, and my thoughts whirl around faster without their reply to pause them...
jump to : 5/24/20
60 : school's ending on the 2nd. i have an exam tomorrow. wish me luck !
59 : i don't want anyone in real life to find this site. i don't want any associates.
58 : [REDACTED]
57 : i haven't been sleeping normally for the past two days, i want to fix that. i've worried him too much already, i don't want to do anything stupid, for his sake. and mine. but sometimes i don't think i matter. i'd like to stop thinking like that, but i haven't told anyone besides him; i don't know who to ask advice from...
56 : i am living for my new layout DAMN. this feels so much nicer than the others. this is like the fourth or fifth redesign i think but who cares lol
jump to : 5/19/20
55 : side note - just surpassed 50 entries. holy shit.
54 : back to the unregularly-scheduled content. i plan on making this "character thoughts" page to help me flesh out what i want of my ocs. it isn't for you, but for me. then, something for you would probably be this anime page where i rant about the shows i've watched so far, without context, without warning; just dropping references like a warhead. or weebhead. haha
53 : i had an existential moment.
52 : [REDACTED]
51 : to think, i'm still doing online school until the end of the school year. i just want things to go back to NORMAL.
50 : it's been good lately. i'm on better terms with my bf; i wrote him a poem, i drew him something, i'm starting to really like having him around, and i'm glad this is going different than i expected, despite having limited contact bc of overbearing parents of mine. not to be negative but i didn't expect to get this far with him, since most guys drop me after a month, or i ghost them after a month. but this time is different. there isn't a curse on my back ruining things. instead, i know what i'm doing, and i'm not putting the blame on anyone else but myself if things go awry.
jump to : 5/4/20
49 : my "friend" wants me to download this game, but i don't really want to since we haven't been talking since 2018, and i'm sad to say i don't even remember them... it's bad but they're okay, it's just me being a little cautious, people can change. i wish i can leave that part of my life behind me, but people insist on reconnecting, and i can't stop them. i can only text back.
48 : despite all this i'm still genuinely surprised my bf was okay with me trying to set things straight with them. i expected him to get mad because i had some trouble with guys being posessive before, but i'm kinda glad he let me talk to them, even if he slightly wanted to talk to them in case they were too much for me. i fucking love him. and i feel bad for not making a present for him yesterday, our first month together...
47 : this week is fucking wack. i had two exes hmu yesterday and it was weird talking to them, hearing their lives and how they haven't changed at all from the last time i was with them. one's still depressed as fuck, the other managed to get a drinking problem at 17... the latter wanted to apologize for leaving without saying shit, for leaving without closure. i did get closure, and i wanna be on better terms with him, so i guess we'll keep talking. the former i tried helping, but it doesn't seem like he's listening.
jump to : 4/23/20
46 : besides the stuff that happened yesterday, i found a shit ton of new music, so that made me happy for a bit. i should go down that rabbit hole more often. shoot me a dm on instagram(@sirang_ulan) if y'all got music, bls.
45 : i need to get my priorities straight though. hopefully this site is helping more than burdening. by writing stuff down it'll tell me to do something with my time.
44 : lots of shit started this week off. if it weren't for my boyfriend i really wouldn't have anyone to vent to and just- be MYSELF with. holy shit. i don't care if it's infatuation or if my feelings are invalid, i fucking love him. he's amazing. i love his laugh, he's genuinely concerned about me and really loves talking to me for some fucking reason ? i'm happy knowing i'm being good to him as well, i just wanna keep it up for him.
jump to : 4/21/20
43 : i'm such a bitch haha i spend too much using a currency that doesn't even matter hHH- fuck i need to leave. y'all don't know how much i wrestle with mania.
42 : second situation, unprofessionalism. i wait almost a week for a response from people i ordered art from, not knowing if they've accepted or not, and they ask me to pay only today !!! like bitch i spent the money already bc y'all left me hanging. smh please at least notify me, i don't want to remind y'all since it said the two were on hiatus for a bit, but sure. i'll tolerate this.
41 : one word. pissed. online classes start tomorrow and i'm not ready. i want it to be summer vacation already.
jump to : 4/12/20
40 : i'm not a good girl to my man. i really don't deserve him. he's too worried about me and i'm here trying to keep my shit together, he really doesn't have to deal with me. i wish i can be a better person, and i do want to talk to him, but i really don't want to be like his other ex who couldn't handle all her shadows correctly... he tells me i'm not like the others, but i feel like i'm turning into someone other than myself.
39 : i fucking hate myself. i'm a pathological liar and it doesn't hurt me, it just hurts to know that i am one. nobody else can relate to this, which is why i put it here, since i'm gonna unplug this website from all my socials; it's personal and unprofessional so how can i associate the name "sirang" with this site when i've built this shit up from nothing?
jump to : 4/6/20
38 : i'm glad aero chord is back, then there's jordan comolli, take/five, all the fucking trap legends jfc... what a time to be at home
37 : playmoss is annoying as FUCK so i'm just gonna link the individual songs like before bc fuck them for saying my queue is full-
36 : this is why ion wanna be in the mf medical field.
35 : lmao this whole month is high on itself. speaking of, i wish people didn't have to put covid on such a high pedestal. yeah i know it's serious for the elderly and even some kids but i'm getting sick of all this talk of masks and gloves and people going to the ER. it's all sorta bullshit to me. just stay home, work from home, apply to what you can, call people, sleep, take a walk early in the morning. if this offends you that's on you. my dad is annoying and he's a nurse so it's often that my mom fights with him on what to wear and how to protect himself.
jump to : 4/4/20
34 : the black and white out theme is starting to bore me, but i don't have a certain direction i want to go with this site anymore. maybe i'll stick with it, but i'm starting to tire of the edgy... everything.
33 : update 3 - i wanna start writing again. i have the characters set up, i just need the connections and concepts. maybe i'll go all out this time and dedicate a page to each and everyone of em in my stories. hopefully y'all would be interested in that.
32 : update 2 - i've been trying to do more creative shit but it's weird because nothing is stopping me. my schedule will never be fixed despite online school popping up maybe once or twice. my eyes hurt.
31 : update 1 - i got a new man and i genuinely love him. i can write entire paragraphs about how he makes me feel but that sweet shit might annoy y'all so i'm not gonna.
30 : this is no april fool's joke. thanks for following me despite not being active a lot. no cap, i wanna use this site more.
jump to : 4/1/20
29 : also i apologize for the fucked up dates from yesterday, 2020 hasn't registered yet lmao
28 : boys can be pigs. i can't even say they're men, they don't deserve such a dignified fucking title goddamnit. my sis got fucked over too. my akali mask came in today so that shit's cool, but then again i couldn't get out of bed this morning; it's hard to believe i still have school after break haha. fuck. i'm so fucked.
jump to : 1/4/20
27 : happy fucking new year. hope y'all have a good one. started out the new night drawing some shit i don't regret, so that's good. it didn't hurt to "design" him but at least i'm not torturing myself anymore. please check out here. or actually, i'll make an art page soon, or actually haha i need a checklist. need to keep track of shit. i'm more active on amino, sorry.. but i'll try and update here.
jump to : 1/3/20
26 : fuck. man. i have too much shit going 'round my head. i'm already on break so what can ya do !!! but seriously i need to chill.. or not, chilling will only get me thinking. uhh anyway, it doesn't hurt so much to think about him anymore- yes, i'm scolding myself, but he doesn't linger so much, unlike the past couple of weeks. lowkey wanna rip his throat out bc of this video, it'd be nice to have a rage room a block away from my house. oh man, saying "l.a." leaves a sour taste in my mouth lmao.
jump to : 12/27/19
25 : this month was really bad from the start, and i learned a couple new things about myself, but that shit's about to get stuck in 2019 lmao bring on the next decade, i'll get some brass ready.
24 : i only plan on getting tipsy/slightly drunk tomorrow. smirnoff isn't enough but beer tastes bad to me. fucked around and made a short film, watch it on my portfolio. can't wait for parasite !!! if we're gonna watch it ngl
jump to : 12/22/19
23 : why can i not stop THINKING about him. can someone DIAGNOSE me with infatuation so i don't have to heartBREAK MYSELF, MY PHASE. goddamnit i need to stop... it's fucked up but I CANNOT STOP THIKNING ABOUT HIM. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE WAS A FRIEND. but 2 years went by like that and we're on our own shit now. fucked off to different sides of the world, but it's just two coasts- what difference does that make, he still fucked around when he shouldn't have so LEAVE HIM ALONE, ME. ow.
jump to : 12/18/19
22 : these fucking songs are so relevant to the point where i want them to stop... it's like they're pulling a rib from my caged heart oh my god it hurts...
21 : ugh my eyes hurt like hell... i need to stop stalking his page at 5 in the morning. goddamnit, i'm that type of ex- my fucking knuckles hurt too, but i don't regret Monday night. serves him right for sending me back in time.
20 : my birthday is in a week, starting tomorrow. i'll be 17. i'm not ready... i want to stay 16- but then again this year was pretty shitty. no. everything leading up to this point has been shitty. i can be so dumb sometimes! it's funny to think how i didn't just elope already. just fucking jump out the window, break a leg, and limp off, hitch hiking to LA or Dallas. then once i get there those boys will chain me down and hold me in a way i like it and- it's pretty fucked up to think about people like that. i'll stop.
jump to : 12/15/19
19 : don't you just love how you can see my sanity leave me with all these chained entries ?
18 : nah she got back with him. serves me right for stalking the shit out of him i HATE social media, how fucking easy it is to find people who fuck you and who you fuck. that came out wrong but there ain't no one reading this. fuck me. there's something wrong with my attention span.
17 : wrote a rap about him, made it to a song that goes yakuza. prolly gonna make it to my portfolio, but still need to tweak it a bit. i wish i was done. DONE.
16 : SHE BROKE UP W HIM. IT ISN'T MY BUSINESS BUT DAMN HAHA... i need friends. it's too early for another boyfriend. i think i'm desperate for attention, but that's a no no, that's what makes people leave. i really need someone to put up with me, just for a bit. y'know, fuck around and not treat me like a secret.
jump to : 12/13/19
15 : ghh. i need him to fucking take his shoes and go, don't even bother taking a coat, just sit on the fucking curb, right there, that's a good boy- now go shiver your boner out and don't fuck with me anymore. i'll decapitate your cap before you think about opening your trap. star shopping was a lie, moonlight burns between my legs at night- there were no star trails beyond your periods, i don't want to give up; you took what you want from me, now leave me BE.
jump to : 12/10/19
14 : i'm not vaguing. i can give anyone his name, high school. try me bitch.
13 : when can i ever find someone who shares the same things i try to put out ? i'll never know; i'm starting to lose hope. fuck all y'all fake-ass guys out there, tryna one up your gf with some side bitch on discord. everyone's fucked in the end. why not tell the truth about it.
12 : long-ass venting again haha, who needs a fucking shrink to talk to ? *raises hand* i'm so conflicted right now. i'm actually debating on continuing the poem i had about him, cold-ass bunny, burning fucking sun. no, i really should. might as well, while the blood is still fresh. y'know, if i ever see him irl, i'll fuck him up so bad. brass knuckles and all. no guns, just fists; maybe i'll cheat to bring his 6-foot ass down. deserves the iv drip, motherfucker.
11 : the one question i need to ask is... did i really love him-? i believe it was infatuation, or just another dummy to talk to while i had to wring my hands out. i thought it was real, but then again the proposal was rushed. i didn't rush it, i gave him space then decided fuck it i'll talk with him, fuck around, stay up.
10 : debating on exposing him to his gf. am i really that kind of ex ? well, actually, i've had it done to me before, i tried to explain myself but it fell through. do i wish that on him ? do i really wish to ruin him like that ? what human nature do i have, what can restrict me from dirtying my hands once again ?
jump to : 12/9/19
9 : fuck love. he made me into a monster. i accept that now. the first was sad. the second makes me mad. both let me hurt myself. now to accept that i'm nothing more than a girl fucked thrice over. prep me for surgery. need a third horn on this motherfucking head.
8 : HE'S GONE. AND SO AM I.
7 : HE WAS FUCKING FAKE. THE MOTHERFUCKER FUCKED ME OVER AND I LIKED IT. FUCK HIM. FUCK ALL OF HIM. HE DIDN'T DESERVE ME, FUCK HIM.
6 : FUCK HIM. he's never on for me, he doesn't even get on with me. i need a fucking therapist, i'm too damn attached to him-
jump to : 12/8/19
5 : i weep for fellow reptiles everywhere. the sun has set today on a season finale.
jump to : 12/5/19
4 : other people can be as vague as they can. me, i can't reason with myself to name the one's i envy. it isn't right.
3 : i want to legally change my name to "broken". that way people will know to stay away from the sharp edges i have.
2 : i want to be happy with myself. but i can't seem to shake what other people expect of me.
1 : nothing stays. no one leaves. it's not fair that i can't be found.
start : 10/13/19