for derrick

i heard this line in a song once. i guess the only way out is to push through. and if it doesn't look great, what's it to you?

so might as well tell you everything i'm thinking about. and most of it isn't great.

i thought i was falling out of love with you. i thought that you weren't making me happy anymore. i wanted things to be like before, where our problems didn't have my self-destruction mixed in. where the only threat to myself was that of my parents finding out i was staying up with you, or that i wasn't spending enough time with you when i had school. i'd usually find a way to make it up the next day, and everything would be okay. but all of that became complicated when i started lying about being okay.

i thought it was the right thing to do, to pretend to be okay when i'm not, because then everything wouldn't turn into a big problem. i'd only tell you about small problems, and you'd help me the best you could, but in the end that never solved my bigger problems. a paper cut is nothing compared to a scar. and i shouldn't have let it spiral into one.

looking back on it, i was wrong. i didn't fall out of love with you. i just stopped loving myself. i stopped loving myself because all i could see were the mistakes i made, and how all of that made me a bad person. those mistakes clouded everything i could see. it even affected how i saw you, to the point where i pushed you away, since i thought you wanted to leave. i didn't think about how you felt about me. i didn't think you'd fall in love and stay in love with me.

back when we started dating, i had this sinking feeling that we would just be temporary, that we wouldn't last as long as we have now. i thought i was making the same mistake, that i was rushing into something that was only going to end quick. i was afraid, but i didn't want to be alone anymore. then, once i had you, i became afraid that you'd be like the rest of my exes, that you'd cheat, you'd leave without saying goodbye, that you wouldn't want me after you got what you needed from me. but you keep telling me that you need me, so you won't leave. we've had this conversation before, i know that. you're not like them, you're different. and you say you'll try not to mess up like they did. but that doesn't mean i can't mess up like they have. the cheating, the times i don't call unless i absolutely need you. i know i still mess up. i know that i still hurt you. and i'm sorry for making those mistakes because i was afraid, i was reckless, because i didn't think about how you feel. i'm sorry for being selfish with my thoughts. i should just tell you everything i'm thinking about. i just don't wanna be a burden.

i'm still not used to you being around me if i'm being honest. i'm not used to sharing problems with someone else, because that someone else would almost always let me solve it on my own when they couldn't, and i don't want that anymore.

i want you. i need you. not because you just solve my problems. but because you are real to me. i see you as a real person, a person i want to be around, a person that wants me around. i've never been this hopeful before. even if it's not all the time, i am so happy with you. even if we haven't met, i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i don't want anyone else. you make me feel wanted, you make me feel like i belong with someone, that i deserve to have someone as good as you. i know i might not have any idea of what i'm talking about because i'm apparently still young, but i really want you to be the one. you want me to be your last for a long time, and i don't want to find someone else when i have you. i'm so thankful to have you in my life. even though i still mess up, i'm learning not to because i don't like messing up with you. you're trying to reach through to me, and i hear you. i really do. i'm trying too. i'm trying to be better for you. you're not forcing me to change. i don't want to be so closed off anymore, because you were right. i can't always keep it in, and i'm getting tired of being alone in my head. i need you, and you need me. i want to fix myself, i want to fix whatever i broke. i don't want this to end. i never want to lose you. i love you derrick. with all my heart.

i'm sorry that it took this break to make me realize all this when i could've stayed and talked it out with you some more. i'm sorry for just relying on myself when i have you. i don't wanna take breaks anymore. it almost hurts knowing i'm forcing myself away from you just so i can figure this out. i'm sorry for making you feel alone. i'm never gonna do that again. from now on, it's just gonna be you and me. if you still want me back...