i am only a vessel
void of any sustenance besides paper thin bones
a hollowed out stomach, distended but forcefully empty
my skin is a mirror reflecting energy
so people deem me "okay" to be around
but that isn't true
i clasp unwanted thoughts within the width of my fingertips
intrusive without definition
red tendrils viced around the grey parts of me
unblack and unwhite
indertermined grey matter as i'm convinced i don't matter
i am nothing but scattered
a scattering of scars against various vulnerabilities
all hidden under what's believed to be stars
but their light is dead
millions of light years from the truth
the truth that the corners of my mind aren't dusty
because i visit them often
in order
to feel
the same
sense
of
intangibility

i feel no gravity pulling me away from my negativity
nothing ties me to this place
my spine doesn't tie down my brain
i am not grounded to this plane
i sink beyond it
i feel alone
i like being alone
i like my own despair
i enjoy drowning in my own tears
i am selfish in my need to build walls
i am conscious of my pathetic excuses
so i'm spineless
a coward in my inaction
immobile
impossible to be around

i am nothing when nobody is around
so why is it so hard to disappear ?
go to : [7/5/20] quar.5
i can't do me
no privacy
they've fitted me personally with a parental filter
eyes around-the-clock glocked locked on me
their tongues loaded with lashings and impersonal beliefs
"lessons" taught to bring out my subtle humility

they passively tame the wild quills i've grown on my skin
plucking them one by one until my bare breast replaces downy thin
my claws tick away on thin ice
i try so hard to be a lighter feather weight
i believe i'm not the epitome of pebbles in my stomach
and yet i swallowed their words without acidifying the truth that

no one can undo me like them
a ratio of 2 to a worthless zero
i'm void of my own emotion
they've given me everything, i've taken everything
in order to fill the gutted cavern of my chest

please

i want to be better than this
i don't want to outpour, flood my bed with a clasped tsunami
pinching my breath between my teeth, foaming at the mouth
frothing at my eyes
as my wind screams to the heavens contained within my bedroom walls
well, at least i control that
i control my pain
i just wish it wasn't given to me

i still bite down on my fangs
because i'm sympathetic to an else's comfort,
i won't unburden myself until others break down their walls first
but they shouldn't forget
i'm not delicate with lace frills
i'm not decorated with diamond trails
i wear my crystalized pain as my red ocean laps at my knees
i bear patterns of lattice scars
not for them to trace the reason behind
not for them to part my curtained hair
do not behold the monstrosity that is me
i am not for them
i exist for a certain few
i exist simply as fe, na, and wasted o2
nothing more.
go to : [6/18/20] quar.4
i'm calling this 2020

what a time to be alone in the darkness of my bed
masks are scattered about the now-lived-in house
screens are hot, all-together ads flicker fast
the smoke is sharp
and we're reminded
everything is burning

how ironic
i'm at peace with the ghosts inside of me
they don't wail as much as they used to
i control those grave thoughts myself
i've written down, drawn down, done so many things
then tried to predict the future outside of quarantine
fearful but comfortable with a feigned stability

and yet how tragic
it's the living i cannot make peace with

the unfair cards chosen by a white "humanity"
grudges to be held by stoned-down tongues
founding-old scars to be forgotten, replaced by an outstretched hand
the model minority, the poorer majority, all put under-
all NAMED for being the demon nationality
foreign-looking, "unlike me"

pearl skin has its indifferent privilege
some are abrasive to seeing the stones they walk over
becoming the cornerstone, the gemstone, the center of success
some are insensitive to taking and taking then shunning
then gunning down the cultures they fw/ and appropriate
then injustify their right to wake up and walk
some are walking a thin line by staying silent
and this isn't limited to pearl skin
white lips raise battleships, battalions, national guard movement
tight lips attached to darting eyes
tongues of iron but unmelting in the face of prejudice

all aforementioned should not exist.

i will bleed my tiger blood for others
i will resist the silence
i will not desist until those rights are read aloud
written down, etched in the tainted red land of this country
that never belonged to the ancestors in the first place

no one will ever ensnare the oppressed as long as this generation lives

no more clinks and clanks chained around ankles
no more lines and lines of seperation, anxiety, unowned rights
no more tear gas and ram attacks and batons on backs held by "protectors"
no more burdenous conversations with younger siblings

my claws are always out
their tusks are always sharpened
their fangs are primed to a point
our collective hide is toughened by tissue and scars signed by reapers
the ones that come to sow the monsters they've known
a trophy head to be crossed by red, an object to be hung and spat at

none of this is new.
but light shouldn't shine from the bullet holes in their chest
nor should the stars flashing across their vision be the last ones they see

some mindsets should be denied.
it's the greatest feeling to make people uncomfortable.

this won't end until it's done.
go to : [6/15/20] quar.3
i'm trying so hard to stay sober
so i'm not drunk on these intoxicating thoughts of you, and you and me
so i don't drown in the shared drinks we passed between each other, with words of wisdom like ice shards melting on our tongues
so i don't suffocate myself with the whispered pillow talk, with little to talk of yet so much to say, biting down for the other, waiting
so i don't remember the warmness in our core as we fell asleep thinking of the other, listless but curled up against orange thoughts
fuck it, i swear i'm sober.

no
i don't think i am
you had to come back
now i'm balanced on the edge of a glass
go to : [5/26/20] quar.2
i sleep in my tears,
even as i flip the pillow over.
then
the pillow got tired of tasting like salt
it has left me drowning in the ocean of my thoughts,
clinging to the empty case i scarred.
go to : [redacted / unknown]
the storm has done...
the storm IS doing something to me.
the birds sing in spite of the clouds.
my head pounds in spite of the analog.
my eyes see in spite of the blinding dark.
my temples ring in spite of the silence.
in spite of the turbulent air,
the pressure on all sides of me,
i'm still awake.

in spite of the daylight,
i long to sleep
with blankets of night
behind my eyelids
with stars across my vision
as i shut the shutters tighter.
go to : [5/19/20] quar.1
the light of the dream fades, leaving its shadow
no hope as you choke on the dust you shed
just recycled dust when you breathe again and again
i don't want to die
i just wanted to return to a time of dreaming with my eyes open
where a gold sheen of mist caressed its fraying edges
but the mist has cleared
leaving me teared up
torn between the string on my finger
and the reality in my lungs
my youth is shrouded with a white curtain
everything was alive back then, everything tied together
but today they die
today they return to the dust
gathered in the corner of my memory
piled beside the curtain that drapes over the light of memories
dulling it until it fades away
to nothing more than a pulse
because the ribbons were cut
when i grew up
because growing up is realizing you aren't bright anymore
you aren't naive and free
because when you're asked to dream
you give the answer in the best light
but forget that every dream casts a shadow no one can explain
but all will regret
_
what if the sharpness that stings your skin
started bleeding instead?
what if the blade stained itself
with its own monochromatic blood?
what if the words from the corpse to the victim
dripped with blood in midair?
will they both realize that the words hurt
when said aloud?
will the shell of a person realize
it will only hurt before it heals?
_
all the petty words
of your primal language
will never desecrate a being like me
any insult you think of will
fall on silent ears
a swollen smile
go ahead, scream to your heart's content
i'll be waiting to silence the beating of it
the pulse annoys me so
_
he inhales the gunpowder
dusted along the cartridge
before he loads it
his eyes spark and swirl
as if he's high off death
_
i swelled my knuckles last night
it might've been a mistake
they couldn't hear the blossoming pain
from each sharp pound into the wooden frame of my bed
as i imagine the walls
shaking the pictures in their frames
with each blow landed
will i regret it?

i found a new painkiller
my throbbing knuckles pull my mind
from my thoughts
to settle on the pulse in my bones
_
i wove a web of desperation in order to catch someone's attention
_
i bear my teeth like a crown gleaming with blood
go to : [redacted / unknown]
forget godzilla, i'm going berserk
AT fields up cuz i ain't getting hurt
zero-zero to shogoki
slip the plug suit with ease
LCL in arteries
ready to rip an angel's wings
_
still tryna overshade the shady
posse'd up for the gleam of that kerosene
the beat riddled with disease
i know i can do better than eminem
nf
lucas
logic
call em, step up, dead-head em
like the roses they sent for the old me
_
nah, call me ayanami
a vessel for your instrumentality
i beg of you, adam
i'm stemming from a lonesome rib
from your side
scaled-down lilith i confide
go to : [4/6/20]
the words can't pry
the gridlocked teeth in my mouth
my tongue has already bitten itself
and i can't shout or yell out
go to : 8.00
LA is too sour for me to say
with s*men slathered teeth i'm stained
go to : 8.00
cease your breathing
that mumbling behind the mic
failure will result in a searing of a space
between mind and skull
go to : 6.00
he tried to look past me
but his eyes stunted along my body
go to : 4.00
they look up to domed doomed ceilings
hoping their cries will funnel into the ear of some god
start from : 0.00 [12/28/19]