7
6/19/20
this tangent isn't positive-
what if i'm not happy with you all the time. i'm not always happy when i think of you, it's always overthinking, it's never easy to think of you; it gets overpowered by bad things.
what's worse is that i have to hide this from everyone, except you.
am i supposed to be happy.
what if i'm doing this wrong.
i don't want this relationship to end up like the others, i don't want us to end without a clear why. you do so much for me, but i feel a little unhappy because i expect too much of you and it's killing this ideal image i have of you. it hurts to blame myself because i know i've done wrong before, but it isn't all my fault. i just expect too much of you, i expect you to talk when i'm not, to admit something when i confess my own, to know when something's wrong, but you can't always do all those things. i don't think you'll even talk to me if i didn't do it first.
if i hadn't dmed you, you wouldn't have taken an interest in me at all because you never would've fucking noticed me. it's the fucking truth.
you're making me feel like the inside of my head is too small, that you're not even there to think about becausei can't get you to talk to me without reaching out first. i want you to talk when i'm not talking. i feel like i'm doing everything.

i depend too much on things, on people, to tell me what to feel.
i don't think i can change that about myself, but i can control what i let into my thoughts.
it's hard to make me feel better, but i choose what gets to me, and if i can stand against it.
i'm so afraid there's not gonna be enough space in my head- in my life- to fit you in. i really want you in my life. it's only you in the future i imagine. i can't- i don't see anyone else. i'm getting too serious for my own good.



6
5.25.20
i love you. i like helping you. it tells me that i'm good for something other than making playlists and poems.
i don't like it when you try and distance yourself, because even if i have my own shit to worry about, i'll drop all that for you, because you are more important than me. if anything, you deserve the help, because you already give so much of it to others and you don't save any for yourself.
don't do that.
talk to someone, it doesn't always have to be me.
talk to your family, your friends, anyone. just don't force yourself to be happy, for someone else's sake, because in the end you need to know that won't always work.
you are human, you don't just feel one emotion. you have multiple, and it may get too much to handle sometimes, but i want to help you control that. you've helped me with mine, so it's the least i can do, to just be there for you.
you are no burden. you're worth so much to me. in these three months, you've given me boundless inspiration, lots of undeserved praise, but most of all...
you've given me a reason to live.
i don't like much people, so i'm glad i love you.
i want to keep you around so you can keep me around. if i'm becoming too dependent, i will lay off a bit if you tell me, but for now, i never want to let you go.



5
5.24.20
i don't want to feel like you're becoming distant. i don't want you to abandon me slowly, or disappear altogether. i don't want you to leave at all.
that's all hypocritical coming from me, considering how i couldn't find the words to talk to you.
through text, it's harder to tell if you really mean something or if you're just saying it as a mindless response.
i don't want you to lie and say things that are specifically gonna make me happy, and make you have to deal with me less. i ask you questions, i question myself, when i'm sad, so to keep me from being sad you'll say whatever makes me happy.
this is precisely the reason why i'm so bad with online relationships; i can never take a hint unless i ask for it.
this is why i like calling you, so i can hear you say it; i can tell if it's genuine through your voice. but i know we can't do that all the time.
like i said, it's almost never your fault that i'm like this. i just twist my feelings and prefer not to tell you about it, bc i'm afraid you'll start thinking twisted thoughts too. the problem with this is... i wanna tell you about it, but the feeling is so fucking conflicting, between protecting you and helping myself.
i don't want to be dependent on your nice words alone. i want to be able to make myself feel better too, without your help. i love you too much to hurt you.

do you ever question if it's love or just a chemical in your brain ?
do you ever wonder if your feelings are genuine and you're not just staying out of pity ?
do you know the difference between love and infatuation ?
you're making me bite my tongue so i don't lash out at you, which is why i write down my thoughts.
i didn't want to call...
that makes me a bad girlfriend...
i could've stayed up, my parents went to sleep, but i knew i had to wake up early, and i didn't defy that- i fell asleep instead of giving up...
i'm terrible...
i could've helped you...




4
5.17.20
i don't want you to think the same thoughts i do. that's why i struggle to tell you anything. you mean too much to me, i don't want to bring you down so you can bring me up.
the only thing that stopped me from going through with my thought was you; i knew that if i did it, you'd find out somehow without me telling you, and i don't want to break your heart that way. you deserve better.
you treat me so well that i sometimes don't believe i did anything to deserve you.
i wish you were here with me. that way i wouldn't have to feel alone.
i never want to let you go. please don't leave me.

we're both desperate. we're both attached. is that okay with you ?
i feel selfish for complaining so much to you, you shouldn't feel obligated to put up with it. you can tell me to stop.



3
5.14.20
why is it so hard to talk to you. why can't i tell you what i'm feeling.
it's because i'm afraid of your answer; i don't want to say something the wrong way, and then you'll answer wrong- i don't want that.
what's worse is that i only want to hear the things i want to hear, because i'm shitty and only want you to say whatever satisfies my self-loathing,; i want to have you be like everyone else who left because i didn't live up to their expectations.
i want you to leave me like how they left me because they couldn't deal with me, they couldn't deal with themselves and me at the same time... i want you to say what they said- that i was too much for them to handle. say that i'm too much sometimes, and that'll make me feel better. it'll be nice knowing you can think ill of me, that you can blame me for my own mistakes, instead of saying "it's okay"; you're allowed to think "i'm not the perfect fucking girlfriend i think you are."
i think you're too good for me, so you reciprocating that feeling by saying once and for all that you hate parts of me will be the greatest fucking ffeeling in the world; you'll be saying i'm a monster from the sum of my parts- and i'd be happy with that title. instead of being called those sweet names, i'll be your little monster. i fucking hate myself so much. i probably shouldn't have rushed into things so quickly, without loving myself first. i'm not satisfied with myself, so how can i keep this up and tell you about all this shit?

how can i even make you happy when i can't keep myself happy for you ?
we haven't made any promises to each other, have we.
so why do you feel like you need to stay ? you don't need me to live your own life, you can live without me, so just leave before you get too attached.



2
5.7.20
i see myself meeting you. i want to comfort you. i want to physically be with you. i want to do small things with you; hold your hand, sit in your lap without intentions, to wake up pressed up against you, to see you smile at me.
i hope there's a small future where we can be with each other, in a small dorm / apartment, where after a busy day we can come home to each other, where we can give each other company, and i'll offer my shoulder for you to cry on, just holding you without letting go, until you feel better. and even after that, unless you can't support yourself on your own, i'll be there for you.

i want to know if you want the same things i do. i really see a future for ourselves where we try to figure out the world together, but i realized you might not want that- that you may think i'm moving too fast, because yesterday when you said you'd love to play some video games with me, or that you wanted us to do something together, i just think that- looking back, those things are small compared to what i want to do with you. i really want to be with you, through college if i'm able to, and to just not leave your side so we can try and find our place in the world together.
now i'm gonna say something.
you don't have to stay with me if you think i'm getting ahead of myself, or if i'm a burden to the point where you can't take care of yourself because you're too busy trying to fix me.
you have a choice between staying or going, because as much as it'll hurt to have to let you go because of something bad happening between us, i'm not gonna keep you from moving on when i can't move on.
you really aren't obligated to make me feel better in any way, because 1. you know i can take care of myself sometimes, and 2. because making that big of a promise to me is probably not a good idea if you don't feel the same way.


the funny thing is, i've gone farther along with you than i expected. i question what things i'm doing right, and why it's working now. i've introduced you to my family, or i've mentioned you openly tons of times; and i remember that i couldn't even do that with my past boyfriends, with their reputation at school and obscure personalities... i didn't feel safe with them because i didn't want to mess up by jumping the gun early when they didn't feel the same way.
i realize now that the other guys i've broken up with had their own shit going on, and i shouldn't have blamed myself for things going south, but i really don't understand what i'm doing right this time, with you.
if all i can do is give you company, make you feel less alone, i'll do that for you. but, i also want to do so much more, towards the future of course but right now... i'm okay with these calls and texts and just being with you despite the distance.
if you want to leave at any time, i'm not going to make you stay in order to make myself feel less hurt.
in other words, i just see a future with us in it, and i can only hope that you can see it too.



1
a.while.back
these times when i'm away from you only make me love you more.
yeah i miss you, but just thinking about the things we talked about, the sweet things you say and promise, the little things you do without realizing- all of it makes me love you more. it makes me want to spend more time with you, and motivates me to get a hold of myself so i can be there with you- i plan out times to talk to you, to ask how you're doing...
you make me miss you, but in a good way, because your absence just makes me long for you more.
jeez... tldr, i just love you a lot.